in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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