Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
