She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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