I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize