Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
