I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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