I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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