I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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