yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
do nipples grow back?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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