I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Barsexuality is the new black.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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