drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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