I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
