clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
