I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
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