im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
