I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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