I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
