So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
