She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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