you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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