Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
