Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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