Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just want nice things and good sex
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
