They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
