He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize