he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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