Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
