I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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