If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
