She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
