hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
