Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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