If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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