I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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