Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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