I hate your face
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I fill condoms, not promises.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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