He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
