becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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