let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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