I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
