There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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