K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
