My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
