you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
