Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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