is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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