this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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