i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
