Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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