don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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