no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
