I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
