she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
