I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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